The secret addictions no one talks about- part 3: the addiction to approval and being insecure. Blog #27

This is the 3rd blog of a series of 5 about our secret addictions. Like when we peel an onion, the top layers of depression, stress and anxiety reveal reactivity, fear and anger, but what triggers those at the first place ? What is the previous layer ?

We are pack animals

One of the fundamental of our humanity is an omnipresent desire and need to belong with our peers. We are from an evolutionary perspective unconsciously hardwired so. Wether our psyche is operating on a survival or a thriving mode, we need other fellow humans to optimise those endeavours. And there lies the seat of all of our problems. We need people. But we don't know how to connect or interact with them. That translates into 2 universal human afflictions:

1- We are addicted to approval

The awareness and fear of rejection has been installed in our psyche not only for groups from when we were cavemen, as being kicked out of the tribe would have been synonym of a certain death since we wouldn't survive very long on our own then, but also at birth for significant people. Our primal survival instinct is to cry and call for help when we are babies. We need to connect with at least one person to exist another day.

It is in fact so vital for us to belong and not be rejected that numerous studies have demonstrated how rejection and physical pain are located in the same regions of the brain and share common neural territories. The brain considers and processes both types of informations with the same gravity and intensity.

As a result and reversely, every time we experience a hint of approval, compliment or praise, or whenever we take an action that our belief system associates with connection, such as pleasing others before self for many, the brain produces a shot of feel good hormones and the body will get a hit of satisfaction. The deeper our insecurity the more we need those chemical rushes. The more we repeat the process the more addicted we become.

And that explains the insatiable craving we have for approval and validations of all sorts all the time, as they quantify and remind us not only of our very place within the human race, but also reinforces our subconscious reason to exist. That develops into the need for competition, the pursuit of fame and/or higher social status, and the need to follow understood sets of rules and dogmas to know where we are at in the grand hierarchy of the world... It is important to highlight that although the social medias have made this more obvious, the addiction to approval has defined and transcended all societies, empires and civilisations, and modern technology was never to be blamed. The reason we created the Facebook likes and Instagram followers at the first place is because we wanted this. We wanted a platform to indulge our most basic instincts. It was always in our nature...

2- We are addicted to being insecure

All problems in society come from the fact that some people believe that they are better than others while others believe that they are lesser. A complex of superiority is a complex of inferiority in disguise, and they are both just as damaging. Being insecure is reminding ourselves constantly that our place and safety in society is never guaranteed. So our inner critic reminds us constantly that we are not enough to ensure that we always go the extra mile to be enough, that we behave and do all the things we believe we must do in order to be good enough to belong. We must look good enough, perform well enough, be smart, funny, and popular enough... otherwise we will not survive the rejection.

The mind creates insecurity and lack of confidence to keep us on our toes so we are never caught off guard. Again, regular dashes of chemicals maintain a perpetual mental state of self doubt. When we believe that we are not enough we take everything personally all the time. We put ourselves second after everyone. We assume the worst case scenarios. We grow paranoid. This is our reality. The brain is programmed to preserve our sense of reality, and as we nurture a state of insecurity we get addicted to it.

Insecurity and the need of approval are contagious

Everything about our life is a continuation of our first few years. The beliefs and associations we choose to own during childhood become our auto pilot. Our reality as adult is operated and limited by a child's emotional mind we never updated. So if for instance we have been told by a parent something in the line of:" Make us proud"." Win that trophy"or "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister ?". The reasoning and subsequent belief that occurs in the child's mind is: "Unconditional love is not available to me. For some it is but not for me. If I want to be loved I must win that trophy or behave in such a way, because I am not enough...".

Alternatively if parents are showing signs of insecurity in regards to how they are being perceived by their neighbours, the way they dress and look like, the way they are being spoken to at work, etc... The way they share their feelings about this around the dinner table will also affect the child and we end up picking up on our parents insecurities.

The curse of "I am not enoughness" and its solution

Marisa Peer has popularised beautifully the antidote to insecurity and need of approval in one affirmation: I am enough. For those who have already been infected by the virus of I am not enoughness, RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) is the cure. We are all born complete, perfect and happy and although it is a part of our journey to forget this momentarily so we can experience the full spectrum of feelings and emotions and really understand the beauty and intricacy of our humanity, it musn't last a lifetime and we can all at any time grow away from that unhappy and disempowered place by getting rid of our baggages thanks to RTT.