Depression and Xmas. Blog #19

For many, Xmas is a time for celebration and joy. For some it is exactly the opposite. If anything in the tradition of the Queen of England's Xmas speech, Xmas should be a reminder to us all who can enjoy it to be grateful and compassionate to those who can't. Not everyone is blessed with a family, a childhood or a home...

My relationship with Xmas

My fragmented upbringing taught me hate, anger, pain and desolation as a constant default mode. That led me to suffer excruciatingly from envy and jealousy of any form of happiness as I believed that I was born inferior, that life was cruelly unfair to me especially and that I would never experience love as I was not worth it. Love, beauty and happiness were available to others but not to me because I was born a freak. Xmas symbolising the epitome of everything I have never had and will never have, I resented the whole season and anything to do with it with a passion.

It took me a lifetime to find a way out of the depression, the debilitating anxiety and the resulting addictions. When I eventually did, my wonderful partner (now husband) went on a personal crusade to heal my scar tissues, change the negative associations and teach me the glory of Xmas. He did a great job.

Xmas, you either love it or hate it

If you belong to the later category as I did for so many years, you may believe that you are the only one on the planet to be denied the joy of a succulent feast in the company of a loving and caring family, next to a comforting and homely fireplace, followed by the excitement of wonderful presents, laughters, joy and praises around the magical Xmas tree... and feel utterly overwhelmed by the loneliness of that realisation. For me Xmas was the ultimate symbol of my depression, the disconnection with the world and the disenfranchisement from all the good things in life. And as it happens with depression we tend to believe we are alone and own the exclusivity of pain because it feels like it. Helpless suffering with no way out and no one that can understand is a timeless agony and prevents us from feeling anything else as the mind is trapped into an infinite loop of pain and sorrow. Xmas lights I believe have been invented to make up for the darkness and cold of the winter. Those who don't have Xmas in their heart ends up with only darkness and cold.

Comparison is the thief of joy- Theodore Roosevelt

Loneliness, depression and the feeling of exclusion are magnified in a group set up because we compare ourselves all the time to others. So the happier happy people are the sadder and more humiliated disenfranchised people feel when surrounded by them. Add to that the incommensurable pressure of fitting into a choreographed happy family/perfect life and we have the algorithm to generate festive cabin fever dramas, binging, debts and depression.

Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato

We must remember that everyone wears masks at work and social conventions. So it is important to keep the compassion mode radar on especially during festive time. People who suffer secretly from depression and Xmas are just people... they are our colleagues, clients, neighbours, friends and family... and the people we know the least are often the closest ones. Talk to them. Engage with them. Pay attention to their body language, the tone of their voice and their choice of words. Start a conversation. And most of all listen to them. Listen to them without judgement, prejudice or expectations...

Depression is disconnection. Depression is also "the harsh, hurtful and critical words we say to ourselves"- Marisa Peer. So if some people around us can't get kind, compassionate and positive words from their own inner critic, that voice in their head that is always putting them down, maybe we can say those words to them. Empowering people with loving, supporting and encouraging messages works twofolds. We are the first recipient of whatever goodness we give to others as we channel those energies from the inside out. I do this for a living so I am really familiar with the process of empowerment. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing someone starting to shift from bad to better and smile and shine because we have given them some encouragement, some kind words void of judgement or expectations, and it is not that difficult to do. The only reason some people may find it difficult to say kind words to others is because they are not used to say kind words to themselves at the first place, and because they still believe subconsciously somehow that being kind is a weakness.

Let's look after each other during Xmas time

Do the the world and yourself a favour: Be strong by being kind !!! Show proudly the example, weave that flag fiercely !!! And if you can, start the habit of empowering yourself and everyone around you with simple messages of kindness, forgiveness, support and inspiration. Spread some love around and you will be Santa, Jesus and the Queen of England all at once !!!

And if you can't, because your heart is broken and feels impossibly heavy at that time of the year, talk to people. Seek some help. Share your feelings with people who own the power of kindness, compassion and empowerment. Xmas was never the problem. It is only the trigger to a time bomb. It doesn't have to be like this. There are some people out there just like me who can and absolutely want to make a difference...

As long as we are alive anything is possible, even enjoying Xmas and genuinely be happy and merry like everyone. It took me 38 years to get there, so I am the living proof that we can all change... and now that I can say it without an ounce of sadness, bitterness or resentment: Happy Xmas everyone !!!